Unrequited love song of the vendor: A play in three acts

Act I:

Dear Mike:

In your position as director of web development[1] for Rockville University, we’re sure you’re always looking for ways to save time and money. That’s where Bugger comes in! Bugger is a combination CMS, media tracker, social media engagement platform and CRM all in one!

We provide real-world, purpose-driven, best-practices synergy to you and your team! Do you have time this week for a quick 10-minute call[2] so we can discuss how we can add value to your organization?

Talk soon!
Silas Mann

  • [1] We got this from a mailing list several years out of date but didn’t feel like taking the time to actually check out your department or website to learn this isn’t really your title or responsibility.
  • [2] This will probably be a 45- to 60-minute call where we’ll only half listen to you while plugging our product, followed by calls/emails a few times a week. Even if you say no, we’ll bug you again toward the beginning of the next budget cycle and then annually until our company goes belly up … or you do.

Act II:

Dear Mike:

We’re really surprised we didn’t hear back from you[3] about our amazing CMS/MT/SMEP/CRM yet! Maybe you’ve been a little busy; we understand.

How would a call Thursday morning work you? Maybe 9 a.m.? If not give us another time for a quick 10-minute chat so you can start delivering value to your institution.[4]

Have a good day!
Silas Mann

  • [3] Mike has marked this as spam and won’t get this or other messages, and will be thankful for the person who created that one-step feature.
  • [4] Let’s try to make Mike feel like he’s letting down his employer by not opening himself up to a lifetime of follow-up calls.

Act III:

Hey Mike:

Still surprised that you haven’t taken us up on this magnificent offer![5] Did we mention some of the exciting new additions Bugger has in the works?[6] We also offer the latest cutting-edge technology[7] that will keep you light years ahead of your competition.

Did we mention we have a new whitepaper[8] coming out that shows how our kind of product can lead colleges like yours to higher applications, better yield, less summer melt, a higher spot in the U.S. News and World Report Rankings, higher alumni giving rates and free ice cream? We’d be happy to send it to you for no charge if you want!

It would be a shame if you decide, for whatever reason, that Rockville University isn’t interested in being a market leader in adding value to your institution[9], so we look forward to hearing from you.

Warm regards,
Silas Mann

  • [5] That mark as spam feature is pretty wonderful.
  • [6] If you’re actually interested in these “new additions,” we don’t have them yet, but we’ll tell you they’re “on the roadmap” and we can “circle back” on them eventually.
  • [7] We call them “cutting edge,” but by the time we finish the job (late and over budget), the technology will be a couple years out of date.
  • [8] Funny how whitepapers always confirm exactly what the vendor who commissioned them wants them to.
  • [9] Passive-aggressiveness, for the not-win.

Epilogue:

Dear Mike:

I recently took over your account from Silas Mann, so I wanted to check in on any progress. I know that as director of web development for Rockville University, you’re always looking for ways to save time and money.

That’s where Bugger comes in! Bugger is a combination CMS, media tracker, social media engagement platform and CRM all in one! We provide real-world, purpose-driven, best-practices synergy to you and your team!

Do you have time this week for a quick 10-minute call so we can discuss how we can add value to your organization?

Talk soon!
Guy Newman[10]

  • [10] Repeat cycle until the end of time.

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